


Whipped or A Sticky Mess

by MistyBeethoven



Series: Strange Couchfellows [20]
Category: John Wick (Movies)
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, Bad home medicine remedies, Basters, Comedy, Dogs, Fighting, Gen, Ice Cream, Iguanas, Lizards, Nosy Neighbours, Sunburns, Whipped Cream, altercations, just kind of stupid, mayo - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2020-06-27 12:48:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19791223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistyBeethoven/pseuds/MistyBeethoven
Summary: John Wick and the Administrator wake up with burns after their trip to the beach.





	Whipped or A Sticky Mess

**Author's Note:**

> The Twentieth in a time diverting and admittedly stupid series.
> 
> This is a direct sequel to "Ain't it a Beach"
> 
> I don't know how many people are still interested in these but I'm still having fun writing 'em so I'm just going to continue to play with myself.

From the moment the Administrator woke up in his bed he could tell that something was wrong. He had vague recollections of going to the beach with John Wick. He also had horrific rememberences of being naked on said beach and having to wildly run for their clothing before being arrested for public indecency.

An awareness also became painfully clear upon those first few moments of wakefulness:

He had not brought any sunscreen.

Looking at the arms to either side of him, the bureaucrat mistook them for two oversized pieces of strawberry licorice. His chest and legs were in no better condition; he was eternally grateful for the swimming trunks which had saved his more delicate areas.

"Hey _You_!"

The Administrator heard shouted from his living room. He didn't need to ask who it was; there was only one man who slept on the couch and didn't know his name in the whole apartment.

"Yeah?" the pencil pusher called back. "What do you want?"

"I would _very_ much like to see you."

The smaller man lay on the bed contemplating his choices. He wanted to continue to lie supine on his mattress instead of getting up but thought against it; John Wick sounded very pissed and a pissed off John Wick was worse than any sunburn.

Making his way out of his bedroom, the Administrator wasn't so sure, however. He was a masochist but he had found his threshold.

Finally in the living room, the High Table servant was surprised to find a bearded lobster on his couch. Only on closer inspection did he discover it was his roommate.

"What did you do to me?" the assassin asked softly but deadly.

"I did it to myself too," the bureaucrat spat falling down on the couch. "If you hadn't noticed."

"I did," Wick stated. "Your having to suffer with me is the _only_ reason I am letting you live."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, side by side in their underwear.

"How could you forget sunscreen?" John eventually asked.

"How could you forget to ask me if I wanted to go to the beach in the first place?" the Administrator retaliated.

"I thought that everybody likes the beach," the hitman said.

"Well I don't," the bureaucrat said. "I kept having nightmares that I was stuck in a giant hourglass, naked, while your dog chased a poodle and fetched hot dogs. I kept praying for death but anytime it came close you kept turning the glass over before the time went out and it started all over again."

"We're we burned?"

"No."

"Then it _must_ have been a dream."

The Administrator sighed.

Some more silence followed.

"I'll go buy some lotion," the pierced man said. He reached the coat rack and threw on a coat. Having made it to the door and unlocked it, the Administrator realized it was hopeless; he wouldn't have minded wearing a coat on a hot day it was the fact that the fabric touching his skin was too much for him to take. The pierced man quickly tossed the coat off and formulated a new plan.

With something close to awe, John Wick watched the other man slowly waddle to the fridge and return to the couch, his arms filled with various foods and a baster, about 45 minutes later.

"I know you may not always value my intelligence but I know that this is not calamine lotion," John frowned as he held up a quarter filled jar of mayo.

"There was no way I could make it out the door," the bureaucrat stated. "These will have to do. They're cold at least...and that mayo is allegedly the creamiest, I'll have you know."

The assassin examined the different items that the man had brought over. "Most of these are less than half full."

"I know," the Administrator stated. "I have to go shopping."

John Wick shrugged and began to apply the mayo to his body; the pencil pushed avoided looking at him as he did.

"Can you get the middle of my back?" Wick asked.

The Administrator gulped in worry. Still he had come prepared. The pierced man dipped the baster into a tub of ice cream which had started to melt on his way back to the couch and started to baste John Wick's back with it.

"Now I know what a turkey feels like," Wick stated unimpressed.

The Administrator started to administer to his own body the rest of the ice cream.

Both the ice cream and the mayo now gone, and still much of their sunburned bodies left unattended to, both men's eyes rested on the only remaining substitute sunburn lotion: an aerosol spray can of whipped cream.

It lay on the sofa between them.

In unison both men tried to grab it, using their free hand to try to push the other away. They held onto the whipped cream at the same time.

In full conditioned attack mode, and not realizing it, John pushed the can forward and hit the Administrator on the forehead with it.

Immediately sorry, Wick was opening his mouth to apologize when the smaller man socked him in the jaw.

"You want this so much?" the assassin asked indicating the whipped cream and aiming the nozzle towards the High Table employee. "Here it is!"

John proceeded to spray the Administrator with it.

The shorter man looked up at the taller man, repositioned the opening and sprayed the bearded man before the can only let out air.

Staring at one another covered in food, the assassin and the bureaucrat did what any two rational men would do.

They threw the can away, got off of the sofa and started to fight.

John Wick brought his two hands up and simultaneously slapped both of the Administrator's ears.

The bureaucrat in turn yanked on Wick's hair and then kicked him in the stomach.

The hitman elbowed the pencil pusher in the shoulder

John Wick's dog and Toby the iguana looked on in interest as their masters kicked, pushed and hit each other.

After the assassin had broken away from the bureaucrat who had him in a headlock, the bigger man being able to easily slip out of the smaller man's grasp still being greasy from the mayo, he stared at the shorter man for a long moment.

"So you can touch me to fight me but not to put some mayo on my burn?" John Wick asked obviously hurt. The Administrator looked up instantly regretful.

"Where's that damn baster anyway?" the assassin asked in anger suddenly desiring to destroy the damn thing in retribution.

The pencil pusher grabbed it off of the floor and clutched on to it protectively: he needed it for Thanksgiving after all.

John Wick moved behind the Administrator and started to grab for the kitchen utensil, the smaller man also bent forward, holding the baster in front of him so the taller man couldn't get it. Wick still managed to take it in both of his hands.

They were so busy struggling that they failed to notice when the door opened and Mrs. Milner, their perverted and nosy neighbour, stood in the doorway staring at them.

Sensing they were not alone when the dog started barking, the men looked up at her, John bending over the likewise bent over Administrator, both covered in whipped cream, their hands grasped around the baster, which was leaking out the last bit of thawed ice cream, in front of the Administrator's crotch.

"Oh thank goodness!" the elderly woman exclaimed as she brought a hand to her heart. "I was afraid you boys were fighting."

She turned to leave but turned back again before she did.

"Make sure you lick up that whipped cream before it reaches room temperature or you'll make yourselves sick," she advised and smiled at them sweetly before closing the door. They heard her giggling as she walked down the hall.

The two men fell to the floor, the Administrator dropping the baster in a hurry and scooting a fair distance away from John Wick, whom similarly got as far away from the Administrator as he could.

Wick's dog came to his owner and started to lick the mayo off of his back.

"Ouch," John Wick said.

**Author's Note:**

> To commemorate the twentieth entry in this series I wanted the boys to finally have a full out fight. After entry after entry of mishaps and misadventures I thought it was only logical that it would culminate in a full out brawl. They are part annoyed with each other and part confused by caring for each other so it all leads to this.


End file.
